In the face of suicide: my testimony

This year, in April, I lost a dear friend to suicide. Perhaps you have already read or heard my story.

I was a recent graduate student of theology, 24 years old when I began to experience very strong mood swings. I had periods of great energy and enthusiasm, and then so much discomfort in my head that I couldn’t sleep. Times in which I couldn’t stop talking and doing things, thousands of plans and projects. And then, all of a sudden, a time of tremendous emotional pain, with no strength, with only the desire to die and for everything to end.

After almost 15 years of living with bipolarity, and in spite of medical treatments, I tried to take my own life, in the middle of a crisis due to job loss, a sentimental loss and experiencing how my whole world was falling apart.

Later, it happened again; and in both suicide attempts I spent more than a week in intensive care.

During this time, I met several doctors, tried to experiment with treatments. Sometimes you don’t know exactly what to do to help yourself, and you feel that others don’t understand much about it either.

What I most wanted to avoid is being involved in the experience of someone else taking their own life, and then taking the blame, that maybe I gave them the wrong advice. I didn’t want to be taken as an ‘example’ or ‘role model’ as I often feel that my life does not meet the requirements to be identified as someone who has overcome all of this.

My friend and co-worker lived in another country, and he had never really told me that he was going through depression. I knew that his life was very complicated in a societal context where there is no justice or freedom. I could not encourage him to leave quickly, although he was desperate to get out of there. We spoke for the last time at the end of January, and he sent nothing more. I didn’t realise what was happening until I found a notice on the internet that he had passed away.

His obituary did not contain the manner of death or details. He was 40 years old. I was able to talk to one of his Facebook friends, and then also his mother. I also spoke to pastors in his community. They all seemed very shocked about it, and really, neither I, nor anyone else were aware of what this friend was going through.

These weeks, I have been asking myself, why am I still here and he is not? Why am I not on the other side like so many people who take their lives every day? I am sure that I am privileged to be alive today.

I have met other people with the illness of bipolar disorder. It is good to be involved in the lives of people who are going through this, and surely there is something I can do. There’s a reason God gave me the ability to write, and to tell this story.

[destacate] More than one will surely feel the pain of not having been able to help a person who finally took his or her own life. In my particular case, writing is like therapy[/destacate]More than one will surely feel the pain of not having been able to help a person who finally took his or her own life. I think that, in my particular case, writing is like therapy. And perhaps the fact that you are reading this is a way of asking God to allow us to help people who are thinking of taking their own lives.

We are not always prepared to give counselling or psychotherapy. We don’t even have the money to help someone who is going through a very difficult financial time. There are many things we cannot do; but surely there is something we can do.

At this time, in the midst of my own challenges, I am freelancing for various Christian media. I’m coming up on about 300 articles published since 2019, immediately after my second suicide attempt. Doors opened for me precisely because people were very interested in my testimony on bipolarity, after half a dozen pastors had taken their own lives in a few months in Latin America. I opened up, and I started writing about what was happening to me.

I spoke on a podcast where thousands heard part of my story. I wanted to share the details of what I was going through, but I always thought that most people wouldn’t understand anything anyway. Today, I still believe that people don’t understand much about this issue, but together maybe we can find ways to prevent other people from taking their own lives.

I know of churches that do talks on the subject of prevention with doctors, psychologists and counsellors. Maybe there are other ways that don’t yet come to mind. Many churches should stop being so legalistic, where no one can tell what is happening to them, as people will just keep quiet so as not to be judged.

I myself there are days when I wake up, and I feel like burning everything I have written, deleting my blogs and social media, because I think that nothing I do is of any use.  

[destacate]Jesus had to go through far more anguish in Gethsemane than anyone could ever go through, he asked his Father for that cup to pass, but it didn’t[/destacate]I imagine there are people who have much more difficult struggles and situations than I do, and I don’t really get ideas of what to say or what to suggest when someone tells me they are down, they are sad, or they don’t have the strength to go on.

First of all, I always say, put your trust in God, talk about it, and seek medical help. Sometimes it has happened to me that a little pill solves months of mental anguish. And when one balances the chemistry of the brain, then it is easier to find other solutions, spiritual, emotional, work-related, etc.

As I write, my country is engulfed in flames and smoke (because of wildfires), and I thought that depression is something similar, that clouds your mind, where it’s hard to breathe, and where you can’t find any way out...

But we know that the rain will come. I won’t try to give a theological solution to the issue, but Jesus had to go through far more anguish in Gethsemane than anyone could ever go through, and he asked his Father for that cup to pass, but it didn’t. His anguish lasted several hours. His anguish lasted several hours, and night came, but on Sunday the sun rose in all its splendour.

We can help people who are thinking of suicide. Let us ask God for wisdom. Surely in your country there is a hotline, write it down. But try to listen, whether it is you, a family member, partner, friend, neighbour, and if possible, get them to a doctor and a counsellor, before it is too late. Churches should also be ready for this.

Wolfgang Streich, theologian and journalist in Paraguay.

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[title]One more year[/title]

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